Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Alcohol kills brain cells and magic wipes memories, so why in the world would he rely on either one? Because there just aren't any other options. Xander's quest to clear his mind and evict past tenants may just change the world more than it changes him!
1. Chapter 1

**Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles**

**Disclaimer: I own no property created by Joss Whedon nor claimed by Mutant Enemy. Stan Lee and Marvel are likewise in the clear. Hancock is also not my original creation and I hold no rights to it, though I wish I did.**

Xander felt numb, things just hadn't been going his way lately. His breakup with Anya and then being tied up and tossed in the basement for disposal by a hallucinating Buffy had been bad enough, but then seeing Anya and Spike screwing on video…

Xander got out of his truck and unlocked the front gate of the CRC facility, making sure to lock it behind him before driving his truck around to the back where it couldn't be seen. He let himself in and headed straight up to the executive offices. After the Moloch incident, Willow had done a little creative programming and had transferred ownership of the property to Xander so he could insure Moloch's destruction, by destroying the robot body he had built, without interference.

Over the years, Xander had kept the property as a place to store things because disposing of evidence was a man's job, according to the girls, so he'd been tasked with all the post battle cleanup. He had Ampata's trunk, all of Marcie's stuff from the school attic, all of the unsold costumes from Ethan's shop, the personal effects of a couple of Terakan assassins, Amy's mom's and Janna's personal magical libraries, along with some duplicate books from Giles, an invisible scythe, a demon made of stone (crushed and cemented into the floor), boxes of cursed chocolate, a dozen electrical blasters, a closet full of dress clothes (Dracula did not approve of his fashion sense), a couple of magical items, and three androids in various states of repair that he kept in the office. He'd also had to clean out the houses of Ted, Mrs. French, and Coach Marin to help cover for their disappearance, fortunately there was a lot of storage room in the closed down plant.

The CEO's office was Xander's safe haven, a place he could to retreat from the world and relax. Naturally, that mean he installed a Play Station to go with the wide screen TV that was already there. Opening the fridge he got out a beer and popped it open before starting a game of Final Fantasy some Roman numeral edition.

**Several hours and six packs later…**

"You are a wonderful boyfriend," April said, handing Xander another beer. "Warren never let me play games with him."

"Warren is a certified cocksucker," Xander replied with drunken cheer.

"He did pride himself on his knowledge base," April agreed. An orange extension cord ran from under her shirt to the wall.

"You should replace your damaged battery with Botty's" Xander said, wondering why he'd used a cord.

"I couldn't do that, "April said, "It'd be like stealing her stomach."

"Just use it until you can replace your own, than. I'm sure she wouldn't mind, and you could always make some repairs to her to make it up to her later."

"I'll need to use your tools." April noted several files forbidding her from touching her boyfriend's tools without permission.

"Use whatever you need," Xander said before sliding off the couch to pass out on the floor.

Xander woke up four hours later still quite drunk. "Beer run."

Ted and April stopped working on the Buffybot. "You are over the legal limit. I'll drive," Ted announced, while April helped Xander to his feet.

Xander handed Ted the keys, wondering why alarm bells were ringing in the back of his head. "Do you still have a license?"

"Printed a new one not more than half an hour ago," Ted assured him.

"Good," Xander said. "'Cause I'm going to lie in the back."

* * *

"Try and stop me!" Warren smirked, the power of the orbs making him feel invincible as he tossed the door he'd ripped off the armored car to the side, where it landed with a loud clang, cracking the pavement.

Buffy exchanged half a dozen blows with the magically enhanced murderer to no avail, as he was a lot stronger and tougher than she was. If he hadn't been completely untrained in hand to hand she would have been in trouble.

Ted brought the truck to a stop as the two brawled in the street, blocking traffic. Xander sat up in the back of the truck and frowned before turning to April and drunkenly saying, "It's your ex. It's his fault I had to watch Anya and Spike... Rip off his sack and bring me his balls!"

"Sure," April agreed, hopping out of the truck and approaching the two.

Buffy was knocked backwards by a blow to the stomach and Warren paused to gloat, but before he could say anything he felt a tap on the shoulder. Turning around he found himself face to face with someone he never thought he'd see again. "April?" he asked in shock.

April's hand darted out to grab the leather sack he had on his belt which she easily pulled off. "Bye Warren," she said cheerfully before turning and walking away.

Buffy had taken advantage of Warren's distraction to recover and quickly attacked, her blows having a devastating effect without the orbs to shield him, which she didn't notice until he fell, broken, to the pavement.

April got back in the truck and they continued on their way.

* * *

Xander woke up as Ted shook him and handed him a pair of aspirin. "Ted?" he asked blurrily, as he accepted a cup of orange juice and took the aspirin.

"Yes?"

"What did I do?" he asked, wondering what he'd done while drunk and why he didn't feel hung over.

"You reactivated April and had her repair me and Buffy," Ted replied cheerfully. "You also had me drive you to the store to purchase more alcohol, stopping along the way to help Miss Summers. Returning here you watched a season of Married with Children, had us modify Buffy and drank till you lost consciousness, where upon I followed your last command to-"

Xander blinked a couple of times. "Modify Buffy?" he interrupted.

"Taller, bigger breasts, red hair," Ted listed off. "We've also worked on upgrading her programming, but that's an ongoing process."

"Oh, Botty! Why are you following my orders and not running off to marry and kill women?" Xander asked, eyes scanning the room for a weapon or a way to escape, depending on Ted's answer.

"You are responsible for my activation; I have a hardwired command to obey for that. I've never killed any women, though I have married several."

"Then why were they in your basement?" Xander asked, beginning to relax a little.

"Bodies buried in Sunnydale either crawl out of their graves as cursed mockeries of themselves or are violated in some other way. My marriage vows required me to protect their corpses from such degradations."

"Oh," Xander said in understanding. "And the drugs?"

"I'm trying to counteract the attention deficit disorder that seems so prevalent these days. Just because Valium is no longer popular, doesn't mean it's no longer needed," Ted replied.

Xander snickered. "Let people decide their own dosage. From now on, no drugging people without their permission."

"Rule imputed," Ted agreed.

"Great, I'm going to shower and clean up."

Half an hour later, feeling much more human after a shower in the lab and making a mental note to get a checkup, he dried off and went searching for something clean to wear.

"You should try the red silk shirt."

"Ahh!" Xander ducked behind a rack of clothes. "Who are you?" he demanded, feeling naked, because he was.

"Buffy Summers," she replied cheerfully.

"Oh yeah," he said, putting on a pair of black silk boxers behind the rack before coming out. "With all the changes I didn't recognize you."

Botty spun in place. "What do you think?"

"The boobs, height, and hair all look good on you," he assured her. "But why did you change the face?"

"Changing my height made it necessary to alter the rest of me to fit," she explained. "So my face was widened a little, I had my nose enlarged a touch, and I changed my eyes to what I felt was more aesthetically appealing."

"You look good," he agreed. "We should give you a new first name though, to avoid confusion. How about, Jamie?"

"Jamie Summers the bionic woman?" she asked amused. "Try this on," she ordered, not giving him a chance to respond as she handed him a burgundy silk shirt and a black suit.

"I don't recall you being this pushy," he said, getting dressed.

"Upgraded programming," she replied. "You said you wanted me more like a real person and less like a sex toy. Ted's programming is far superior to Warren's, though Warren's design specs are physically superior."

Xander nodded. "No building Skynet, eradicating humanity, or general enslavement," he ordered, just in case.

"Rule imputed," she agreed.

"Good. Let's get breakfast and then find something productive to do. I feel like being productive today."

"Is there anything you'd like Ted or April to do?" Jamie asked.

"Modify their looks so they can't be connected to any past crimes," he said after a moment's thought.

"Message sent," Jamie announced.

"Remind me to get you three cell phones," Xander said guessing she had an internal communication device.

"Noted for later."

"Any suggestion on what I should be doing?" he asked.

"You could upgrade your own programming," she suggested. "While drunk you complained about other people fucking with your head, so antivirus and firewalls would be a good choice for installation."

"I… I think I know of someone I could talk to about that," Xander said as an idea hit him

"I'll drive," Jamie volunteered.

After a quick stop at McDonalds they went to the Summers' residence.

***Knock Knock***

"Xander," Dawn said, happy to see him, especially looking so hot!

"Hey, Dawnie. I've come to pick Tara's brain. Do you know where she went?"

"She and Willow should be down any time now."

"And Willow?" Xander asked. "They made up?"

"Yep!" Dawn said, bouncing in place with a huge grin.

"Excellent," Xander said, following Dawn in with Jamie just behind him.

"Who's this?" Dawn asked, finally taking her eyes off Xander enough to notice someone else was there.

"I'm Jamie, his personal assistant," she introduced herself and offered her hand.

"Dawn, very close 'personal' friend," Dawn said shaking her hand.

"How about I start breakfast and let the aroma of sizzling bacon wake them?" Xander suggested.

"Breakfast?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"More than enough for you as well," he agreed, knowing that without Joyce the number of home cooked meals Dawn got was in the negatives.

Dawn agreed and hugged him, her hand 'accidentally' brushing his rear as she let go.

A quick survey of the kitchen showed a distinct lack of ingredients.

"Get started on the eggs and coffee," Jamie said. "I'll be back with the rest shortly."

"Okay," Xander agreed as Jamie left.

"A personal assistant?" Dawn asked curiously.

"It used to be personal secretary, but the requirements changed," he replied starting the coffee and heating water for tea.

"And what 'services' does a personal assistant provide?" Dawn asked suspiciously.

"Work related ones," he assured her, as he figured out how to expand Jamie's cover, because while he could just tell the truth, he didn't feel like dealing with the inevitable explosion from Buffy and Willow. They just never seemed to trust his judgment these days and both had, had bad experiences with robots before.

"No hanky panky?" Dawn asked, trying to keep her interest out of her voice and failing.

"Not a bit," Xander said while flipping eggs. "It's a business relationship."

"And dressing so nicely?" she asked doubtfully.

"As my personal assistant she also has some suggestions about how I dress, plus… all my work clothes are dirty, so all she had to work with was the wardrobe the Mast… Dracula bought for me."

"Ok," Dawn said, relieved he was still unclaimed and wasn't dressed up for some tramp.

They talked about various odds and ends, dealing with going to school on the Hellmouth, until Jamie returned with groceries.

"Bacon!" Dawn squealed as Xander started frying it while Jamie set the table and put everything away.

"And blueberry waffles," Xander agreed, knowing what Dawn liked.

"Bacon?" a blurry eyed slayer asked, the smell having drug her out of bed and downstairs roughly a minute later.

"Yes," Xander agreed. "But I would suggest pants first."

Realizing she was only wearing a pair of blue panties and a t-shirt in front of Xander, Buffy quickly scurried back upstairs. Either the noise of Buffy getting ready or the smell of coffee awoke Willow and Tara, who came down wearing flannel pajamas.

"Coffee!" Willow moaned, in much the same way a zombie would moan the word brains.

Seeing Jamie caused Tara to retreat upstairs to change, while Willow just accepted a cup of coffee and inhaled the fumes.

Buffy came downstairs fully dressed and looking much more awake. "Xander, what's the special occasion?"

"I need an excuse to come over and make breakfast?"

"Dressed like that?" Buffy countered.

"My doing," Jamie said helpfully. "I'm trying to upgrade his wardrobe."

"And you are?"

"Jamie Summers, Xander's personal assistant," she introduced herself, offering a hand.

"Summers?" Buffy asked.

"Just a coincidence, I don't have any relatives named Hank in California. Xander already asked."

"Okay," Buffy said. "So, no hidden agenda?"

"Agendas yes, hidden no," Xander said, giving Buffy a plate of her favorites. "I need to pick Tara's brain."

"What's wrong with mine?" Willow asked as Tara came back downstairs dressed in a white blouse and brown skirt.

"Well, I'm pretty sure if you had the information I wanted, you would have already told me before I could even ask the question."

"What did you want to know?" Tara asked.

Xander quickly introduced Jamie and then explained, "My brain has had so many guests they reserve rooms in advance. Possession, mind control, altered memories… you name it, it's been done to me. I need help, not only building defenses, but also in removing anything the guests have kept in their rooms."

"Umm." Tara glanced at Jamie.

"Independent demon hunter," Jamie offered. "It's why he chose me over the other people applying for the position; with me he doesn't have to hide anything."

"Oh," Tara said, while the rest of the girls gave Jamie a more thorough once over.

"Basically I'm looking for a mental antivirus and firewall," he explained.

"That sort of thing requires a lot of mental capacity," Willow said apologetically. "Otherwise I would have brought it up before."

"Xander has over a hundred people working under him and handles projects worth millions," Jamie said, giving Willow a look that said she doubted Willow's sanity. "Why would you doubt his mental capacity?"

"Actually, trust and willpower are the most important qualities for what I know on the subject," Tara said, trying to avoid an argument.

"Is that satisfactory?" Jamie asked Xander.

"I trust Tara and I don't think that I'm weak willed," Xander agreed.

"Excellent," Jamie said. "Tara, if you'd agree to help Xander, we have two hundred a week in the budget for self-improvement."

"Two hundred a week?" Tara asked in shock.

"His current independent studies and licensing requirements only take up a fifth of what's budgeted for it," Jamie explained.

"I don't need a bunch of fancy equipment and overpriced toys," Xander said with a shrug. "You hand me a book on practical construction techniques and employee motivation methods and I'm good." Xander was surprised at how much Jamie knew about him and his job, but tried to play along.

"And you want to pay me two hundred a week to help?" Tara asked.

"The higher-ups have actually sent memos reminding Xander to spend the money, so they can give him a raise for completing all his projected goals," Jamie explained.

"They've even suggested hiring a personal masseuse to dispose of it, a masseuse that probably only knows how to work with a very limited clientele," he said, trying to edge around the subject since Dawn was in the room.

"So, it's either a hand job from a stranger or head from Tara?" Dawn asked.

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed wide eyed, nearly choking on her eggs.

Dawn laughed and noticed Tara trying not to smile, while Willow froze with a faraway look in her eyes.

"It's more like fumigating the bat cave," Xander promised her. "I have lots of bats in this belfry," he joked. "So will you help me, 'because I could use both the help, and the raise."

"I-I'd be honored," Tara said softly, as she accepted a cup of tea from Xander.

"Excellent," Jaime said, taking out a pen and notebook. "Let me know what you need and how you'd like to be paid. For discretions sake I'd suggest cash under the table so we can just write 'Candi' on the ledger like the men in Admin do."

Dawn fell over laughing.

The moment the door closed behind Xander and Jamie, as they left to retrieve the list of supplies Tara requested, Buffy turned to Willow and asked, "Succubus?"

"Probably," Willow agreed.

"What?" Dawn asked confused.

"Oh, come on," Buffy said. "You saw her, she's like a combo of all our best features with Cordy's breasts."

"My hair and Tara's eyes," Willow pointed out.

"Her face is a combination of ours," Buffy told Dawn.

"So you sensed she was a demon?" Dawn asked.

"Well, no." Buffy shook her head. "Despite all the jokes, I can't actually sense demons or my job would be a lot easier. I'm basing things on Xander's luck with women and the fact that she looks like what has to be his wet dream, the perv!"

* * *

"Welcome to the Magic Box," Ana said before seeing it was Xander. "Oh, it's you." She turned and walked off.

"Sorry about that," Giles apologized, knowing that it would do no good to talk to Anya about it. "Morning Xander, what can I help you with?"

"Morning Giles, I've got a list of ingredients for Tara," Xander replied, passing the list that Jamie handed him and pushing away the pain he felt at seeing Anya.

Giles peered at the list over the top of his glasses. "I see a theme here; most of these are used in cleansing and mind altering spells. Anya can retrieve the ingredients, but might I ask what they are for?"

Jamie accepted the list back and went to give it to Anya, while the guys continued their conversation.

"My mind's been fluffed and folded, bent and mutilated way too many times," Xander explained. "I've been possessed twice, had my greatest fears come to life… also twice, Jonathan altered my memories to make himself my idol, and the first slayer played Freddy Krueger in my frontal lobes. The Mast… Dracula, Anya's ex, mind fucked me so I'd be his butt monkey. I've had my mind split in two and reassembled. Dawn… memories altered again, Willow wiped my mind and last but not least, one of Anya's victims made me live out an alternate future where I was treated to the lovely experience of becoming my father and beating her to death with a frying pan. I think it's a minor miracle I'm not already a gibbering lunatic!"

"I… I see," Giles said. "I would suggest taking some Lethe's bramble as well than, it can help dull memories."

"Sure," Xander agreed, calming down. "I just need to find what's me first and Tara is going to help me with that."

Anya listened with half an ear as she collected all the ingredients on the list, followed by Jamie. "And what are you to him?" she demanded.

"A personal assistant," Jaime said cheerfully.

"He is dressed better," Anya admitted.

"I picked it out of the wardrobe, Dracula bought for him when he was his butt monkey," she replied. "By the time I'm done, you won't even recognize him."

"Yeah," Anya said softly, before handing everything to Jamie. "Take these to the counter and Giles will help you."

"Okay," Jamie said brightly before rejoining Xander and placing everything on the counter.

Giles quickly rang it all up for him. "I wish you the best of luck."

"Thanks Giles," Xander replied.

Anya waited until the bell over the door stopped ringing their departure before she came out of the back. "Twenty says she's a succubus."

"Fifty says it's either a rare offshoot or something we haven't seen before," Giles replied before he could stop himself.

"It's a bet!"

* * *

As soon as Jamie stepped in the door, Buffy spritzed her in the face with a spray bottle, drawing everyone's attention.

"Fine, I'll stay off the furniture," Jamie said sarcastically, wiping off her face with her hand.

"Uh, sorry," Buffy apologized, putting the sword she was holding in her other hand into the umbrella stand. "Just making sure you weren't a demon."

"Aww," Dawn said disappointed. "Does this mean you don't fantasize about me?" she asked Xander.

"Huh? Color me confused," Xander said. "Can I buy a vowel?"

"Jamie looks like a mix of all the girls you're close to," Willow explained. "So we figured a quick check to make sure she wasn't a demon or wearing a glamour was in order."

"I… guess that's understandable," Xander admitted. "And how does this connect to you and fantasies?" he asked Dawn.

"Butt, legs, nose," Dawn explained. "If she was a succubus, having my features would mean you find me attractive."

"You are attractive," Xander promised her. "And I'll bet you get even more attractive when you aren't jail bait," he said, giving her a hug.

"Xander!" Buffy groaned, while the wiccans giggled and Dawn beamed.

"Of course men are primarily visually stimulated and at his age Xander should think about sex every nineteen seconds, so logically if he's spent more than five minutes talking to you, he's fantasized about sex with you at least fifteen times," Jamie assured her.

"That is a gross…" Xander trailed off frowning. "How the hell would anyone ever get anything done if we thought about sex every nineteen seconds?"

"I believe that most of it takes place below conscious thought," Jamie offered.

"It'd have to," Xander said shaking his head.

"Can you please stop holding my sister while talking about this?" Buffy asked sarcastically.

Xander let go of Dawn. "Sorry."

"Don't mention it," Dawn replied, her arms still around him.

"Dawn!" Buffy complained.

"Fine," Dawn said, rolling her eyes as she released Xander. "Hold up," she said thoughtfully. "Bend your head down so I can check something."

Xander obediently bent down a little and looked straight down, trying not to stare at Dawn's cleavage as she moved forward and examined his scalp with her fingers, almost making him purr as she ran them through his hair.

After a minute, Buffy asked, "Well?"

"Well what?" Dawn replied, giving up all pretenses as she pulled his head to her chest and stroked his hair.

Tara giggled and tried to hide it behind her hand, causing Willow to burst out laughing.

Buffy yanked Xander away, causing him to blink and straighten up, looking half awake. "Did you find anything?"

"How long was it?" Dawn asked Jamie.

"One minute, eighteen seconds," she replied.

"Score!" Dawn yelled, throwing her arms up.

Xander blinked and shook his head. "What?"

"Dawn tricked you into having pervy thoughts about her," Buffy replied.

"And put you into a somnambulant state by stroking your hair," Jamie added.

"No pervy thoughts," Xander said shaking his head. "Though I have to admit that hair stroking thing was relaxing in the extreme. I may have to hire Dawn after Tara is finished playing with my head."

"I'm free to give you a good stroking whenever you like," Dawn promised. "Heck, I won't even charge!"

"So… head once a week?" Xander suggested.

"More if needed," Dawn promised.

Buffy was about to start yelling when she realized what was going on. "You guys are playing with my head."

"Yup!" Dawn and Xander chorused.

"I've had a crush on him for how many years now?" Dawn asked. "We talked things out a while back. I can flirt all I want, but the most I'm allowed to do physically is cuddling and a peck here or there. If still single when I reach 18 I am allowed to date per our contract."

"Contract?" Willow asked.

"Mom drew one up for us," Dawn explained. "Knowing that Xander has a hard time saying no to those he cares for, she wrote up a contract with everything written out in black and white. For instance, a kiss with tongue means I'm not allowed to call or see him for two weeks."

"What's the penalty for sticking his nose in your cleavage and stroking his hair?" Buffy asked.

"Hold on," Dawn said and ran upstairs, coming down with a large black binder that she quickly paged through. The rest of the girls crowded around her curiously, while she found the index. "Nose in breasts and hair stroking have separate entries. Hair stroking is acceptable, but suggests the use of a brush as it's more relaxing. Nose in cleavage is… subsection fully dressed… in public… I have to vacuum the hallway, and Xander has to clean the windows in the living room."

The pair sighed and went off to clean, while Buffy set the binder on the table and looked through the index with everyone leaning over her shoulder.

"Xander does all the yard work," Willow pointed out. "Does it say what that pays for?"

"There," Jamie said pointing to a section of the index.

Buffy found the page number and flipped it to the right page. "The right to sleep in the master bedroom if he has nightmares."

"Check again," Willow suggested, "because he hasn't climbed into bed with us."

We would have noticed," Tara agreed.

Turning back, Buffy found another page number and flipped to it. "Rubbing against each other while fully clothed. That perv!"

"What perv?" Dawn asked, having finished vacuuming upstairs.

"Xander!" Buffy snapped. Dawn looked over her shoulder and grinned. "All I have to do is laundry for that? Great! Well, I'm off to do laundry."

"I don't think Xander was doing it as part of the contract," Tara said as Dawn rushed off.

"You aren't allowed to do laundry until you're thirty!" Buffy yelled chasing after Dawn.

Willow got a thoughtful look on her face. "I wonder if Dawn is serious or just trying to get out of doing any chores… ever."

**AN: Typing by: last_primarch**


	2. Chapter 2

**Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles**

**Chapter 2**

"We'll mainly be working on learning to clear your mind and simple meditative exercises to start," Tara explained as she lit some incense and candles around the master bedroom.

Xander took off his shoes and sat Indian style in the middle of the bed as directed. "The mojo doesn't speed it up?" he asked.

Tara finished a brief chant that caused the candle flame to glow blue for a moment. "It speeds it up considerably," she assured him. "But it takes a lot of trust to open yourself up to another person, so we take it slow until you know you can trust me."

"I trust you," Xander assured her.

She smiled softly and climbed onto the bed sitting so her back was against his. "Trusting me out here is easy, but trusting me in your mind is harder."

"So how do I start?" he asked.

**Five minutes later…**

Tara looked around the library in surprise. "I…I guess you do trust me enough, but it should have taken at least a week to learn to open yourself up."

Xander's clothes shifted and he was suddenly in a set of BDUs as the climbed off the table they were sitting on. "You have clearance ma'am," he said.

"It was still much too quick," Tara said concerned. "We have to find your Gatekeeper."

"Gatekeeper?" he asked, looking around the library and frowning. "I… don't recall there being a stream in the library, or the trees and dirt for that matter."

Tara wiped the water off of her face and brushed her wet hair back as she stood there in a pair of Daisy Duke shorts, wearing a white T-shirt that was almost completely transparent as it was soaked. "That's because it's not from your mind, it's from mine," she said. "And this is a lot more of myself than I planned on showing."

"I thought we were in my mind," Xander said, forcing himself not to stare.

"The idea was for us to enter your mind, but it's just a concept. Leaving one of your bodies empty on the Hellmouth would be a really bad idea, so what we are actually doing is connecting our minds together. What should have happened is we would meet near the outer partitions of your mind and slowly work our way inwards, my own Gatekeeper preventing my mind leaking its contents into yours, so we could work through your problems, not show you mine."

"And instead?"

"Instead everything is opened straight to the core, on both of us!"

"I get why my core is the Sunnydale High library," Xander said, "but why is yours a stream?"

Tara blushed.

"If it's too personal, I'll understand," Xander offered.

"No, well, it is but since you've let me in its only fair for me to do the same," she replied. "This is the spot where I first discovered I was a woman."

An image of Tara sticking her hand in her shorts with a surprised look on her face appeared, causing her to giggle.

"It's where I would go swimming and be alone to think," Tara explained. "It's where I realized what being a woman meant, that I could create life."

An image of young Tara sitting on the bank with her feet in the water appeared, and she rubbed her side, wincing.

"Cramps," Tara explained.

"I remember when I realized that," Xander said.

Tara gave him a confused look.

He laughed. "Female arrogance," he said shaking a finger in her direction. "Unless an angel appears to you in the garden, you can't create life without a male; we contribute a full fifty percent of the stuff needed to create that life."

"It grows inside us for a full nine months," Tara said. "We feel and protect it while it develops. The male's part in the process is brief and miniscule. You just aren't connected to it the way we are."

Xander shook his head. "The only real connection you have that we don't is being able to feel it move without placing a hand on your tummy and we feed and protect it for eighteen years."

Scenes involving her father's angry face and her mother trying to confront him and calm him down flickered in the air between them. Scene of Xander's parents helping and holding him as a little boy faded into ones of him as a teen avoiding the violent drunken pair.

"Well, it's supposed to be that way," Xander said, shaking his head. "Unfortunately a lot of others seem to disagree. Regardless, it takes two and the mother has no choice about the first nine months, while after the child is born they are both expected to feed and protect it for twenty four times the amount of time she was pregnant, with the mother providing the majority of the nurturing and the father the majority of the physical needs. So, no, I don't find the male's contribution to the creation of life to be insignificant even if their parenting efforts are."

Scenes of Xander comforting Willow as her parents drove off, over and over again flickered between the two, melding into scenes of the two teens cooking and cleaning together.

"You two didn't play house, you lived it," Tara said, shocked at how little positive interaction the two had with adults growing up.

"You should have seen us play doctor," Xander teased.

Tara sighed wistfully. "It would have been nice to have grown up with someone I actually wanted to play doctor with."

A scene of a very young Xander and Willow dressed as doctors appeared before them and after watching for a couple of minutes Tara's giggles overcame her.

"Yeah, playing doctor with Willow involved memorizing and reciting drug interaction tables and triage rules, but on the plus side I've helped deliver two babies, and prevented a couple of deaths from impending heart attacks as well as a case of appendicitis."

"So why is your core a library?" she asked.

"This isn't just a library, it's the Sunnydale High library directly over the Hellmouth," he explained. "At this spot we were a family and we fought, bled, and died for the ground here."

Scenes of various battles played out around them, while Tara watched in shock.

"This is also the spot where we killed the Mayor," Xander said.

Tara ducked behind him as a giant snake demon burst through the doors following a ghostly Buffy.

"I… seem to have died," the mayor said as he stopped and took in his surroundings.

"Yeah, Buffy lured you in, and Giles blew you up," Xander told the snake demon.

The demon morphed back into his human form. "Explosives? I was sure she'd either stab me or try some form of magic."

"Yeah," Xander said awkwardly. "I kind of planned it out and made the explosives."

"So you're the one most responsible for my death?" the Mayor asked surprised. His brow wrinkled. "I remember you not scoring all that well on the SATs."

Xander scowled. "I blew those off because I knew I wasn't going to college."

"That does make me feel better," the Mayor allowed. "Still, what a waste of a death curse."

"Death curse?" Xander asked nervously.

"Death curse," the Mayor agreed. "But casting it on you was a waste."

"That's a bit harsh," Xander said with a frown.

"I don't mean anything bad by it," the Mayor assured him. "I just mean… well, a 'may you live in interesting times' curse really won't even effect you negatively. If anything it's probably made you more likely to win at games of chance. You cause more chaos than the curse is capable of invoking on a daily basis so the counterbalance of the curse will be the only piece active."

"He's more than just a memory," Tara whispered to Xander.

The Mayor chuckled. "I'm the curse of course and…really I've always put a little of myself in everything I did, so I'm also a piece of myself, Richard Wilkins."

"He was an excellent Mayor, right up until the whole 'become a snake demon and eat the graduates' event happened," Xander assured her.

"And how is Faith?" he asked. "Did she come out of the coma?"

"Turned herself in," Xander told him. "In a couple of years she'll be up for parole."

"Wolfram and Hart couldn't get her off?" the Mayor asked in surprise.

"They were the prosecuting attorney's firm," Xander said.

"You just can't trust anyone anymore," the Mayor said with a sigh. "I had them on retainer to defend her in case anything came to light."

"That's lawyers for you," Xander said.

"Could you do me a couple of favors?" the Mayor asked hopefully.

"I'm a white hat," Xander reminded him.

"That's why I'm asking," the Mayor assured him. "The first favor is to check on Faith and make sure she has some basic amenities. I'm assuming since she's trying to go straight you'll have no problem with that."

"I don't know if she'll be pleased to see me," Xander admitted. "But I'll help regardless."

"Excellent," the Mayor beamed. "The second is rather shady, but should meet with your approval, so let me finish before you make a decision."

"I'm listening."

"Wolfram and Hart are actually Wolf, Ram, and Hart, three true demons trying to cause the apocalypse. Everyone who works for them is either a demon or has sold their soul, but don't take my word for it, ask around so there is no doubt in your mind they are evil."

"I can do that," Xander agreed.

"Good, and once you know beyond a shadow of a doubt I need you to call a number for me so my contingency plan for their betrayal will be activated," the Mayor said.

"And that plan is?" Xander asked.

"Terakan contract for those lawyers that prosecuted Faith while they were contractually obligated to defend her," the Mayor said.

"Are they going to hold a grudge?" Xander asked.

"Pardon?" the Mayor asked.

"Of the three Terakans that came after Buffy…"

"Yes?"

"I have two rings," Xander admitted.

"Very well done," the Mayor said in approval. "No, as long as you only went after the one's assigned to kill one of your circle they'll hold no grudges."

"Ok," Xander said relieved. "I'll make a trip to the jail she's at and check on her this weekend. I have some contacts in LA I can ask about Wolfram and Hart."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," the Mayor said, shifting to snake form and slithering off.

Tara tapped the air above the dividing line between the small stream and the library and it rang like a bell. "Ok, the barrier separating our two minds is intact, so nothing can wander from one to another without us knowing. Now let's visit your Gatekeeper and find out why he's letting everything in."

"Ok, how do we find him?"

"We have to leave the core and find the outer edge of your mind. Usually we start there and have to find our way to the core, which can be tricky. This should be a lot easier…theoretically."

"Theoretically?" Xander repeated.

"Defenses are made to keep people out," Tara explained. "So coming from the opposite side we should be able to walk right through them."

"My mind seems to be more like a roach motel," he replied, opening up the door out of the library and revealing an endless savannah that stretched out of sight.

"Is there a back way out?" she asked.

"A couple," Xander said thoughtfully. "Let's try a window."

Opening one of the windows revealed, not the bright and sunny parking lot that could be seen through it, but a much darker Sunnydale, with bits of corpses scattered around and the scent of carrion on the wind.

Xander closed and locked the window. "The Master rules that Sunnydale, let's not go there."

"But there are people in chains that we can ride like ponies!" Vampire-Willow said with that giggle that reminded Xander so much of Dru.

"It's so much fun!" Drusilla said excitedly as the two turned and found the two female vampires behind them.

Vampire-Willow was dressed in skin tight black leather that contrasted sharply with her pale skin and crimson lips and nails. "Did Xander bring me a toy?" she asked.

Tara blushed and the water dripping from her increased ten-fold.

Willow looked away from the growing puddle with a grin. "Naughty, naughty toy. You aren't supposed to burn your mistress."

"Wills, Dru," Xander said softly, affection and pain in his voice.

"Hello Kitten," Drusilla said, spinning to show off her black laced dress. "I simply love your visual images of Victorian fashion and steam punk design."

"We're going to visit Alexander after doing a little shopping, but then I noticed you here and I wanted to say hi," Willow said, stepping forward and reaching up to pull him down and kiss him, some of her lipstick rubbing off and staining his lips like fresh blood. She cradled one of his hands to her chest. "Love and listen," she ordered. "My heart doesn't beat, but it doesn't beat for you. Love and listen to your Willow."

Drusilla stepped forward to take his hands as Willow walked over to the window he'd closed and opened it once more. "You are so mean to my poor little Spike," she said with a giggle. "Remember to kick him too, so he doesn't get bored or feel unappreciated."

Once the vampires had climbed out the window, showing some impressive flexibility, Xander had to work hard to get the window to close.

"Why did Willow look so young?" Tara asked her breath fogging the air as the water on her slowly iced over.

"Because that was how old she was when she died," Xander said sadly. "When I killed her." The lock on the window snapped shut with a crack like a gunshot.

"Then…what?" Tara asked confused drops of water hanging frozen in place like tiny icicles all over her body.

"Once upon a time… there was no happily ever after," Xander said before chuckling, his eyes moist. "Did you know that we live in a fairy tale world?"

"Pardon?" she asked confused.

Xander looked into her eyes and willed for her to understand. "Fairy tales and classic horror movies have come to life before my eyes and we've done our damndest to rewrite the endings, but there are worlds where we failed. Anyanka showed us one where the Master rose and we died. Darla turned Jessie and Jessie turned me. Naturally once I rose the first thing I did was go see Willow. Jessie, as my sire, claimed it was his right, so I dusted him."

"I…I'm sorry," Tara said softly, the frost on her melting and evaporating in the warm summer breeze from her side that chased the shadows from the room for the moment.

"With all the death and destruction going on, Willow, my Willow, drug me inside, crying tears of joy that I was OK."

"That was the vampire, not you," Tara assured him.

"The master did something to Darla," Xander explained. "Vampires are supposed to be incapable of a great many things that her specific bloodline has shown they can do. The Aurelius line has shown themselves capable of both love and loyalty in varying degrees."

"B-But you'd need a soul for that," Tara pointed out.

"So I rose, drained my sire and went directly to my Willow," Xander continued. "It took Willow a week to die and I shared so much blood with her that she rose just a day later."

Tara hugged him tightly. "It's not your fault."

"The soul has a strong influence even if it's longer in charge, so my love for her is the reason Willow will be fifteen forever."

"Cause and effect does not supply blame," Tara told him.

"What?"

"You aren't responsible for anything but what you do, not alternates of you, and certainly not demons who think they are you and can feel a fraction of your emotions. To believe otherwise is really arrogant. You are not all powerful where your every sneeze causes tornadoes."

"I-I can see where you are coming from," Xander admitted. "I know I'm not … wholly responsible, but even if I'm only a little responsible, it still hurts."

"We will work on that later, as well as figuring out why they appear to be more than just memories of people you know."

"Ok," he agreed. "Well, let's see where the sewer access leads."

"Sewer access?" she asked as he led her into the stacks at the rear of the library, which were populated by an endless number of teens fondling each other. The air was… moist in the stacks and the smell of musk was strong.

"Angel used it to sneak in and out of the library during daylight hours," Xander said as they slid in between a pair of couples rounding second.

"Willow, you, Oz, Giles, Buffy…Cordelia, Angel and a woman I don't know as well as you and this air?" Tara asked confused as she counted the people around them.

"Janna Kalderash," Xander said. "Angelus killed her and I'm actually making out with an invisible girl named Marcie."

"An invisible girl named Marcie?" she asked doubtfully.

"Ask Willow," Xander said. "I told you I've lived through the classics. Turns out the Invisible Man was based on a true story."

"I see you with both Cordelia and Willow as well."

"Yep," Xander agreed. "The stacks were used by us for everything short of full intercourse and everyone knew it."

"I can see that," she agreed, blushing as she saw Willow on her knees in front of Oz.

Xander pulled open a trap door revealing… water, nothing but endless water. "And this is a bust too."

"What other ways out are there?" Tara asked as Xander closed the trap door and then placed a pair of necking teens on top of it to ensure it stayed shut.

"The skylight and the vague memory of a bricked over door that led to the drama room," he said thoughtfully. "There is also the Hellmouth, but I have no idea how safe it would be considering."

She sighed. "Let's take the easy route. Take my hand and I'll lead us out." She held out a hand.

Xander took her hand. "Lead on MacDuff."

Walking up the barrier between their two minds she pulled him into hers.

As he crossed the line his vision doubled for a moment and he stumbled.

"Are you-"Tara's mouth snapped closed as she stared into the library.

Xander turned to look back and saw…himself? Xander dressed in camo stood on the other side of the line holding a rather shocked looking Tara's hand. Xander glanced down to make sure he was still holding Tara's hand as she stared at the duplicate pair across the dividing line between their minds.

"Let's find you a place you can bunk down," Soldier-Xander said, leading Tara off to the stairs leading to the upper levels of the library.

Xander noticed he was dressed in flannel and jeans, with his usual tool belt. "Ok, I'm a little shocked," he admitted.

Tara blinked a few times as she stood there in the sunlight holding Xander's hand with a look of shock in here eye. "I can sense her if I try," she said softly. "Xander is showing her where the bricked over door was. Apparently it didn't take more than a 'touch' of C4 to open."

"Oh yeah," Xander said remembering doing so, now that she mentioned it. "He's going to guide her through the jungle to a little village he knows where they have excellent teas."

"I always did want to travel," Tara admitted. "Let's go, we need to talk to both our Gatekeepers to find out what's going on."

Xander followed Tara downstream where a bend took them around an oak and showed a young Tara playing with a young boy who made her a crown of daises.

"My first boyfriend," she explained sensing Xander's curiosity. "His father got a job in Alaska and they moved away."

"Didn't discover girls until later?"

"It's one of the reasons I left, thought I didn't know it consciously," Tara said. "Where I grew up…discovering anything the neighbors found shocking would end badly."

Summer gave way to autumn as they followed the stream and he saw an older Tara graduate from high school and a young man turn and walk away.

"He didn't want to go away to college," she explained. "He believed if working straight out of high school was good enough for his father, it was good enough for him and his children and his children's children."

The stream beside them slowly expanded until they were walking beside a major river and the Tara sitting by a tree was kissing a young woman.

"College taught me a lot about myself," Tara said with a smile as they passed another two Tara's in lesbian relationships and one in a heterosexual one, much to Xander's obvious surprise.

"I love Willow because she's Willow, not because she's a woman," Tara said amused at Xander's reaction.

"I can see that," Xander agreed as they came upon the two and this Willow glowed with health and magic, and had a bit more curves than the real thing.

"This way," Tara said leading him down a clear path into the woods.

A wall of blackberry vines blocked their path and the old woman tending it gave Xander a searching look before touching the vines, causing them to part.

"Your mind is a lot less confusing than mine," Xander said.

"That's because you have a guide," she told him. "Without me, you'd probably get lost in the woods or follow the wrong branch of the river. Plus, your mind is…"

Music began to play as if from hidden speakers and Xander laughed as he recognized the Bee Gees playing the Hotel California.

Xander heard his and Tara's voices singing it somewhere ahead along with the occasional grunt of effort from him and Tara ordering him 'harder!'.

The two paused and exchanged nervous glances before creeping around the tree and seeing what was going on.

Xander was wearing a bearskin like it was a kilt. His left eye was missing and you could see the stars twinkling in the depths of the empty socket. His beard was streaked with white as was his hair. A young uncovered female face stuck out of the back of his head, smiling broadly and giggling at something while Xander pushed Tara on a swing.

The Tara on the swing kept ordering him to push harder. She sported an impressive wingspan though that seemed to hinder as much as they helped, which seemed unsurprising as one wing looked like it came off a demon and the other an angel. Not only was her halo off center it also nested on her horns.

"Now we just need to question our Gatekeepers," Tara said.

The music changed from the Hotel California to a song they hadn't heard before.

"Every morning there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's bed," the head on the back of Xander's head sang.

"That's good," Tara said. "Who sings it?"

"Hasn't been written yet," Xander's Gatekeeper replied as he turned to the pair.

"Why'd you quit pushing?" Tara's Gatekeeper asked before noticing the pair. "Hey, Boss."

"Hey, me," Tara replied. "We've come to find out why Xander's Gatekeeper keeps letting everyone in and why you let him connect straight to our core."

"He's got the biggest cock I've ever seen and he let me ride it," she replied with a lecherous grin.

Tara stared speechless until Xander burst out laughing.

"I-" Tara fell silent, unable to think of what to say.

"She means it literally," Xander told her while his Gatekeeper smirked.

"I kinda figured that," Tara said, the water dripping from her boiling off into steam.

"One of my mental defenses would be a guardian animal," Xander explained. "And while I'd like a T-Rex, living animals provide more protection. What's the modern descendant of a dinosaur?"

"A bird," Tara said in understanding. "So a T-Rex sized rooster."

"Exactly," the Gatekeeper agreed.

"Then what's with the used condoms?" Xander asked, pointing to a pile of used rubbers and empty bottles.

The Gatekeeper's kept on laughing at their shocked looks.

"We also fucked like bunnies," his Gatekeeper assured him. "It's the mental equivalent of thinking dirty thoughts about one another, something everyone does, so don't get bent out of shape."

"That's fine," Tara said quickly, wanting to change the subject. "Now, why did you connect us like you did and why are you letting everyone in?"

"We trust him," Tara's Gatekeeper said bluntly. "After everything we've gone through, how could we not?"

"And I only let people in when it's either useful or keeping them out would cause major damage or is downright impossible," Xander's Gatekeeper explained.

"And the whole roach motel motif?" he asked.

"Stolen skills and abilities have kept us and our friends alive," Xander's Gatekeeper assured him. "What's a little sanity compared to that?"

"And the vision with me killing Anya?" he asked, the recent disaster still on his mind.

"You know why," the Gatekeeper assured him.

"I don't," Tara offered.

"Me neither," her Gatekeeper chimed in.

"It was too strong to block without help, besides we needed to face our fears and see if we could rely on Anya when we needed help," Xander's Gatekeeper explained, the female face sliding to the front as he changed into a woman. "Everyone relies on us when they get injured, but who helps us when we've been mentally violated and our emotional wounds are bleeding?"

Xander sighed and pulled a bit of lethe's bramble from his pocket. "Plant it at the base of Anya's statue."

"I'll use it to fade some of the memories that are still undermining us as well," she said taking it.

"I can still feel a bit of me in you," Tara said pointedly.

She absently began playing with her breasts while talking to Tara. "You'll regain whatever you've lost by the next full moon," Xander's Gatekeeper told her. "Having a link to us will just make things that much easier on you."

"I can't argue with that," Tara agreed distractedly.

"Think on this," Xander's Gatekeeper told him, crossing her arms in front of her. "The Alpha Primal Hyena possessed us and was male…so where did the female Alpha go?"

Xander blinked and found himself sitting on the bed once more.

"That was a lot more productive than I expected," Tara said getting up.

"Are you sure we're awake now?" Xander asked.

"Am I still dripping water?" she asked with a smile.

"No, and I lack the water balloons to change that."

Tara laughed. "Give me a week to regain my full strength and we'll do this again."

**Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles 3**

Returning to CRC, Xander was surprised to find Ted had incorporated some of Xander's features so he looked like a distant cousin, possibly an uncle, while April had copied Jamie's, though she chose to be shorter, and have more freckles as well as a darker shade of red for her hair.

"Chosen a new name?" Xander asked.

"Ted and April are both common enough not to raise eyebrows," Ted replied. "I can pass as your cousin and April as Jamie's older sister."

"That works," Xander agreed. "Well, better check in with my boss. Speaking of which, Jamie, how did you learn so much about my job?"

"Hacked your voice mail and the computer at your work," Jamie replied. "In order to better assist you, we needed all the information we could get."

"OK," Xander said. "Does anyone have any desires, naturally occurring or programmed to do anything else?"

"I enjoyed selling insurance and would like to find a companion," Ted replied.

"I was programmed as the perfect girlfriend, though my recent upgrades show that Warren wasn't a really competent programmer. I'd like to find someone to date to fulfill my programmed objectives," April offered.

"Have you thought of dating each other?" Xander asked. "I'm willing to bet you're both a lot more compatible with each other than some human."

"I don't see why not," Ted agreed. "However I'll need money to take her on dates, so I would like permission to get a job."

"I'd also like permission to get a job," April said. "Today's woman, not programmed by a mentally deficient teen, is expected to be more than just arm candy. I'd like to make a contribution to the household finances."

"My programming is finding fault with that course of action," Ted said.

April smiled. "In recognition of your fragile male ego I'll make sure I don't make more than you and call you big daddy in private."

"The fault has cleared," Ted said cheerfully taking one of April's hands and kissing the back of it.

"Did anyone do laundry?" Jamie asked.

"Yes," Ted replied. "You sent in a request and we did the laundry, cleaned his apartment, and cleaned up the office he uses here. You should have received the confirmation message earlier."

"I did," Jamie replied. "I was speaking for Xander's sake, since he lacks an internal modem."

April and ted looked at Xander sadly.

"I'm sorry, it never even occurred to me," Ted said apologetically, placing a hand on Xander's shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze.

"It's just one of the many differences between droids and humans," Xander assured him touched, but amused. "I don't feel deprived and can't miss what I never had."

"You're a better man than I," Ted said.

"Let's get you dressed in some work clothes," Jamie said changing the subject. "We have an appointment in LA at three, a small side project to show you can deal with different clients."

"Show me to my flannel," Xander said cheerfully, feeling loads better after his first session.

"Work clothes and a spare suit in case it's needed," Jamie said heading for the offices.

"That is one brave man," April said, thinking of how limiting lacking a modem would be.

"Cousin Xander has never been one to let a disability hold him back," Ted said proudly.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I'm assuming you have downloaded all the details I need to know," Xander said as he drove.

"The owner of the Hyperion hotel has discovered a boarded up section holding an indoor pool. They need it unboarded, reconnected, and brought up to code."

"Hyperion... Of course, difficult and Deadboy go hand in hand. Angel owns the Hyperion," he explained.

"The work order was put in by one Cordelia Chase and had quite a few very exacting requirements."

"My ex-girlfriend has always been picky," Xander replied with a shrug. "Read me off her requirements."

Jamie repeated the work order aloud.

Xander nodded and had her repeat several sections to make sure he had them down. "OK, not a problem. I expected better of her, but some contractor fed her a line of bull and she memorized it. The important question is..."

"I scheduled an hour at the largest comic shop in LA before you need to go to the Hyperion."

"You're good," Xander said with a smile.

"I used to be a Buffy Summers' clone, I have tons of data on you that makes my job easier," she reminded him.

"That reminds me. Buffy said that April was a lot tougher than you. Why is that and can we fix it? I don't want you getting disassembled again."

"I was tossed together by Warren, so Spike wouldn't kill him, while April was carefully planned and built, though his skill was higher when constructing me. We're working on a tougher body design but it'll take some time."

"OK, let me know if I can help."

"Will do," she agreed.

It took a little over three hours to reach LA thanks to traffic.

Stuck in a line at a railroad crossing they saw a tall, black, bum, who looked like he hadn't shaved or bathed in a while, flip a car over onto the one behind it so it wouldn't get hit by the approaching train. Even though it was a compact car the ease with which he did it was still impressive.

And then the train hit him...

Xander stared in open mouth shock as the train failed to budge to man, its mile long length of cars, derailed and causing one hell of a mess.

The crowd booed until the man in the compact car got out and yelled at them, giving his card to the man who'd saved him and thanking him. With a leap that shattered the concrete beneath him the superhuman bum took to the air and flew off.

"OK, color me impressed," Xander said climbing out of the truck. "Who was that?"

"Hancock," Jamie replied giving him a basic run down while they walked to the front of the line of cars. "Amnesiac bum slash superman. Causes millions in damage when performing superheroic actions."

"How come I've never heard of him before?" Xander asked as they looked at the two cars stacked on one another blocking the road. "Can you handle the weight of a compact?" he asked, ignoring the people around them.

"With your help," she replied as they both took a hold of the car. "On three, one, two, three!"

The pair neatly flipped the small car off the larger one much to the crowds shock.

"Well you never leave town and most national news media ignore him as he doesn't leave LA himself," she said as they returned to the truck and traffic started moving again, driving around the train engine blocking half the road.

"What do you think he is?" Xander asked as they drove off.

"There are mentioned of him and others like him scattered throughout the centuries in the watcher's chronicles," she offered. "They have no definitive answer beyond champions of humanity."

"Learn something new every day," Xander said shaking his head.

The stop by the comic shop was a bit expensive but worth it in Xander's opinion, as he found a lot of issues the shop had claimed they didn't have in an older box that they'd overlooked. They stopped and got a burger and fries for Xander when yet another commotion occurred outside. An enormous green figure made of muscle landed in the middle of the street cratering it. His roar rattled the windows and sent pedestrians fleeing. Xander and Jamie just stood there calmly, watching as the giant was attacked by a figure in red and gold armor, a hammer wielding viking, and Captain 'Fucking' America.

"I don't suppose they're all well-known as well?" Xander asked dryly.

"They've all appeared in the news recently," Jamie said. "The green man is The Hulk- "

"I know who they are," Xander interrupted. "They're on the covers of the comics I bought."

"I scanned the cover of each comic and I don't recall any of them," Jamie said with a frown.

"That box I bought," he pointed out.

"Filled with old issues of Harvey Comics," Jamie said. "Casper the Friendly Ghost and Richie Rich are the majority."

"We're seeing different things?" he asked, ignoring Iron Man being flung through the window behind them.

"Is the information you've received useful?" she asked.

Thor embedded in the street and Captain America having been tossed a block or more away, The Hulk turned towards the only two standing people there and roared.

"Puny people not bother Hulk!" Xander yelled. "Hulk strongest one there is!"

The hulk stopped, peered at them for a second, and leapt off causing them both to stumble to keep their feet as the pavement cracked.

"Pretty useful," Xander said taking a sip of his soda. "Let's get out of here before the news crews arrive."

"They're already here," Jamie pointed out as news vans screeched to a halt at both ends of the block and reporters and their crews boiled out of them.

Iron man climbed out of the shattered window of the restaurant and took stock of the situation. "Well, shit."

Xander handled his soda and bag of tacos to Jamie and went to pry Thor out of the pavement.

Jamie looked over Iron Man curiously. "What are your material stats?" she asked.

Secure in the knowledge that she wouldn't understand a word he was saying, Iron Man explained in detail the method used to create the alloy his armor was made out of, trying to impress her. It was more out of reflex than any real attempt, as he was busy rerouting power in his armor while he spoke.

"Have you given any thought to artificial muscle fiber?" she asked, having already written the material composition specs to file.

"Come on big guy, up you go," Xander said, pulling a groggy Thor from the ground.

"My hammer," Thor mumbled shaking his head.

Xander helped walk him over to it, figuring Thor would recover quicker with it, which was quickly confirmed.

"Ahh," Thor said as he straightened up, visibly stronger as he lifted Mjölnir.

Black helicopters flew in to hover over the street, agents of Shield repelling down to hold back the approaching press and take charge of the scene.

Captain America pushed through the reporters to rejoin his fellow Avengers. "Hawkeye and Blackwidow are delaying The Hulk at the aqueduct," he reported. "We've got to move."

"The Hulk gets stronger the madder he gets," Xander said shaking his head. "Sleeping gas, not being attacked, and a shitload of fruit pies would be a lot more effective than a frontal assault."

"Finally, Fury brought in an expert who speaks sense," one of the agents said.

"I have yet to meet a foe my hammer can not vanquish," Thor said, having regained his strength and attitude.

"One of the theories on how the Hulk was created refers to him as Gaea's err Jord's rage, hence the green," Xander said.

"Then again mine father did urge me to learn humility," Thor said, his attitude vanishing like someone had flipped a switch.

"What was the magic word in that sentence?" an agent asked Xander.

"Jord, it's another name for Earth or Gaea, which is Thor's mother. Only a fool would challenge her and while Thor might be able to beat one of her empowered avatars, it'd still be like slapping his mother."

"You are quite knowledgeable for a mortal," Thor said.

"Blame my ex," he replied with a shrug, surprised at how little pain he felt. "Just remember the Hulk only shows up when pain or anger is involved, so avoid those."

"Your appointment is in twenty minutes," Jamie reminded Xander.

"Gotta go, have fun with the Hulk," Xander said.

"You're not coming with us?" Captain America asked surprised.

"I'm not an agent of Shield," Xander said, hoping to clear things up. "I'm just a contractor."

"Well, thanks for the assistance," Captain America said shaking his hand.

"Always happy to help."

"We should duck out the back of the restaurant," Jamie said, tugging on his sleeve to get his attention.

"Better than dealing with reporters," Xander agreed, following her back into the restaurant.

"Very personable for an independent," Captain America said.

"I got his number from his assistant," Iron Man said. "Twelve five an hour for on the clock, but free phone consults."

"Let's see how his plan for dealing with Big Green comes off," Agent Coulson said. "If it works I'll put him on speed dial!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"So the comics you purchased appear to be what exactly?" Jamie asked as they walked through the kitchen.

Xander held the door to the alley open for her. "Individual comics for a series about the guys we just ran into. Well... minus Hancock. I've never heard of him."

"From the reactions of Thor, I'd have to guess the information is accurate," Jamie said as they entered the alley.

"Hard to believe I was seeing something different then everyone else, though it does explain some of the weird looks I got when I discussed Marvel comics around other people and they saw what I was reading."

"So this has been going on since you were a kid?"

"I guess so," Xander said with a frown. "Jessie always preferred to make me read the Marvel comics to him rather than read them himself. Now I know why."

"I have a theory," Jamie announced after a moment of thought.

"Yeah?"

"You are a seer," Jamie explained. "However rather than a crystal ball or vision, you get a visual overlay on comic books."

"Talk about strange."

"No stranger than tea leaves or half a dozen other methods of reading the future."

"Good point," Xander said. "Well, let's go see Deadboy, I'll discuss the whole comic thing with Tara later."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Is it just me or does this place look like the hotel from The Shining?" Xander asked, as they pulled into the parking lot for the Hyperion hotel.

"It's a giant white elephant, worth tens of millions, that was created when America was the richest country in the world," Jamie replied. "So it matches in terms of style."

"Still gives off that vibe," Xander said as they parked and got their gear together, Jamie taking care of the paperwork while be buckled on his tool belt.

As they entered the lobby Cordelia Chase spoke up, "Angel Investigations, we help the – Xander?"

"Excellent, The Xander could use some help," Xander said cheerfully.

"Come here you, big goof!" Cordelia ordered giving him a hug.

"It's good to see you again," Xander told her.

"Is there trouble back in Sunnydale, Mr. Harris?" Wesley asked, as he exited the back office with a bald, black man.

"I'm a contractor for -" Xander began when he and Cordelia suddenly stopped and shuddered.

"Vision?" Wesley guessed as Cordelia released Xander's hand and Wes helped her to the sofa.

"Are you OK?" Jamie asked Xander concerned.

"That was no fun," Xander replied rubbing his temples. "And who was the girl?"

"You saw it too?!" Cordelia demanded.

"Girl, book, vortex," Xander replied. "Basic Evil Dead plot."

Cordelia laughed with a wince, before taking the aspirin Wesley handed her. "I get visions from the Powers That Be that allow us to help Angel save people. I've never had anyone share them before."

"I'm not sure what it means," Wesley admitted.

"Probably that I'm supposed to help," Xander suggested.

"And you are?" the man who'd entered with Wesley asked.

"Xander Harris," Xander introduced himself offering his hand.

"Charles Gunn," Gunn replied shaking his hand. "Call me, Gunn."

"We've gotten used to how we do things," Cordelia said with a frown. "I'm not rejecting your help, just pointing out we work well together."

"Understandable," Xander replied. "I'm not trying to get in the way, I can come in at the end with Angel for clean up. Does that work?"

"What's all that about?" Gunn asked, wondering why Cordelia looked so nervous.

"Sunnydale Syndrome," Xander replied. "It's a spell on our home town that makes the residents believe that no matter what happens things are normal and I'm made of glass."

Cordelia rolled her eyes.

"That would explain quite a bit," Wesley said thoughtfully.

"What?!" Cordelia sputtered. "Have you gone mental? What about when got your arm broken when Drusilla attacked the library?"

"Sprained my wrist, Willow in Coma, round of concussions for everyone," Xander listed off. "I was recovered enough to help Buffy rescue Giles from the mansion just hours later, while everyone else was still out of action."

"You bodily tackled vamps regularly," Cordelia pointed out. "You had to have broken something."

"Best way to take them down, since strength doesn't affect mass," Xander replied. "I got a lot of bruises, so many my bruises had bruises, but the only time I broke a bone involved a troll god and it's long since healed."

"I remember you getting hurt a lot," Cordelia said with a frown.

"You remember me getting hit a lot," Xander corrected her. "But really I was just drawing fire and rolling with the blows to take the heat of the rest of you when I could. I pissed off the vamps enough that they wanted to smack me around more than they wanted to eat me."

"I find myself amazed you're still alive," Wesley said.

"I'm mostly shield and distractions," Xander explained. "Vamps are like cats and I made myself their squeaky toy. You don't kill a toy right away and while their instincts have them playing with me, it distracts them from everyone else, like Buffy."

"Who kills them before they can get serious," Wesley said in understanding.

"Exactly. My method is madness, but it works."

"That's why Dru called you Kitten!" Cordelia said suddenly.

"Maybe," Xander said. "Logic and reason aren't her strong points."

"Let's get back on track and see if we can get it solved before Angel wakes up," Wesley said.

"And that's my cue to get back to why I came here in the first place," Xander said. "I'm here for your pool."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Angel yawned and stretched as he rose for the evening. The sun was down and it was time for him to get back to work. While not perfectly happy, he felt a spark of contentment at being able to work off a portion of his sins each day. Angelus just hoped there was a good chance for some violence. As disgusting as saving various humans was, the chance to do some serious harm to someone, demon or human, helped make up for it.

He actually had a small smile on his face as he got ready to face the night, a smile that vanished as he entered the lobby and saw Xander. "Is Buffy alright?!" he blurted out.

There was a near universal chorus of groans as Xander grinned and held out a palm, which everyone slapped money into.

"Xander's smiling so Buffy must be fine," he guessed.

"Got it in one," Xander agreed.

"Then why are you here?" Angel asked.

"To fix your pool and according to a vision, to assist you in rescuing a girl named Fred," Xander replied.

"Will you follow my lead?" Angel asked doubtfully.

"Sure," Xander agreed.

Angel waited, but Xander didn't say anything more. "Are you sure that's Xander?" he finally asked Cordelia.

Everyone groaned again and Xander collected another round of bets.

"I can't believe he knows you that well, Dog," Gunn said shaking his head.

"So, this was all a joke at my expense?" Angel asked.

"Not at all," Xander said. "I really am here as a contractor and to help out. This was just to show that I did actually 'get you' and to collect some pocket change."

"So you'll actually listen to me and not make smart ass remarks?" Angel asked doubtfully.

"Yes," Xander agreed.

"Are you sure you won't explode?" Angel asked after a minute had passed and the expected zinger failed to materialize.

Everyone groaned and Xander collected on yet another bet.

"How many bets did you guys make?" Angel asked.

"Just one more," Xander assured him, "and no you can't ask what it is."

Angel looked at his crew who were watching him intently. "You making comments is probably less annoying than this."

"We probably should have put a time limit on it," Xander agreed.

"How about you go back to making comments and we drop the bet?"

"I really don't make that many comments anymore," Xander said, while handing out money to the group. "We'll just say you guys won the last bet."

"So you don't have a comment for me asking you to follow my lead?" Angel asked surprised.

Everyone groaned, but Xander held up his hand. "I already conceded the bet, it doesn't count now."

"I can't believe he knows you that well," Gunn repeated.

"We went through a lot back in the Dale," Xander said.

"So you've seen him at his best and worst," Gunn said with a nod.

"And we've seen Xander the same," Cordelia agreed.

Xander and Angel exchanged glares, but didn't comment.

"Introductions," Jamie suggested.

"Angel, Jamie Summers my personal assistant, no relation to the Sunnydale Summers. Jamie, Angel 'Vampire with a soul' avoid making or allowing him any perfect moments," Xander said introducing the two.

"Seems a bit harsh," Jamie said shaking his hand.

"The curse holding his soul in place is powered by misery," Xander explained. "So to give him the best shot of redemption you have to keep the curse strong."

"That puts a whole new spin on your actions," Cordelia said thoughtfully.

"Not really, I annoyed him before it was cool."

Gunn laughed getting the joke before anyone else.

"It's just now he can use his powers to annoy for good," Angel deadpanned.

"Did Angel just make a joke?!" Gunn exclaimed in mock shock.

"While rare, he does get in a zinger when you least expect it," Xander said.

"But back to the matter at hand," Cordelia said handing Angel a folder. "We've got a professor who claims credit for his students' discoveries through the novel use of booting them out of this dimension."

"Good job," Angel said looking over the file. "Ideas for what to do with the professor?"

"Kick him thorough his own portal," Xander suggested.

"Ironic and fits," Gunn agreed. "Since we can't turn him over to the cops, let the punishment fit the crime."

"Any ideas on finding the girl?" Angel asked.

"Miss Winnifred Burkle was sucked through a portal to... Pylea if the text is correct. Reading this book," Wes held up a thick leather tome, "opens the portal, but it also depletes the area of the needed energies for three months. She was tricked into reading it eight weeks ago meaning it'll open in a month, but Cordelia's vision says we can't wait that long."

"Lorne's from Pylea," Angel said. "Looks like we're going to be making a trip. Xander, still up for it?"

Xander turned to Jamie. "If I don't come back from Pylea, for over two months, I authorize Giles to act in my place, but for now obey Tara."

"Do you have something going on that needs you there?" Angel asked.

"Just a precaution," Xander said. "Let's do it."

**Typed by: Maltor**


	4. Chapter 4

**Stand Ins and Stunt Doubles 4**

"Where's Xander?" Dawn asked, when she opened the door and saw Jamie was there.

"Pylea," Jamie replied as she entered the Summer's residence without waiting for an invite, as was the tradition.

"Pylea?" Tara asked anxiously.

"Why does that name sound familiar?" Willow asked absently, as Buffy messed with the VCR.

"Why were you two with the Avengers?" Buffy demanded, having recently gotten home and still dressed in her school clothes. As she pushed play a distant shot of Xander and Jamie helping the Avengers was shown before a news report started and she hit pause.

"Yes, Pylea," Jamie answered Tara turning to Willow. "It's a nearby Hell dimension." Turning to Buffy she said, "They were fighting outside the restaurant we stopped at for lunch."

"Hell dimension?!" the girls chorused.

"Yes," Jamie confirmed. "A hell dimension."

"We have to save him!" Buffy yelled.

"He went there to rescue someone," Jamie said. "He and a team of experienced demon hunters went to rescue a girl after getting a psychic vision."

"There's a team- Angel's gang?" Buffy guessed.

"That's them," Jamie agreed unconcerned. "Anyway while he's in hell I'm to follow your orders," she told Tara.

"Me?" Tara asked.

"I can't cook, but I can clean, organize, build, destroy, hunt demons, and a plethora of other things," Jamie said. "With Xander busy elsewhere I am to fill in 'taking care of his girls' for him until he returns and do _anything_ Tara says."

"Anything?" Dawn asked having caught the emphasis she had put on the word.

"Anything," she confirmed. "The only two side notes to that rule is, one: if she needs someone killed double check her identity- "

"Not make sure they're a demon?" Buffy interrupted.

"Very few demons make the list as people," Jamie said. "No, if Tara says a human needs to go, verify she's herself and free of foreign interferences and then do it."

"B-but I wouldn't!" Tara stuttered out in shock.

Jamie nodded. "Exactly, that's why you're trusted to give the order without researching the target if it's an emergency. Normal process for taking down a human target has a lot of checks and is a last resort measure. Xander trusts that the only way Tara would say a human has to die is if she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt."

"I – actually I can't argue with that," Buffy admitted.

"Wh-what!" Tara exclaimed wide eyed.

"Yeah, I can't see Tara doing that unless all other options had been exhausted and it was the very last resort," Dawn agreed.

"It's true, honey," Willow assured her. "It just means in a worst case scenario he trusts your judgment enough to skip all his usual checks, much like I do."

"Oh," Tara said blushing.

"So what's the second addendum?" Dawn asked.

"Same rule if she asks for anything sexual, with a side note about making sure both Pirate Queen costumes are period accurate and a thirty page script," Jamie said cheerfully.

"Well," Dawn said as everyone else just stared in shock, "I didn't see that one coming. Any other modifiers on that?"

"Yeah, but they're just technical details about lighting and video cameras, so let me know in advance so I can get the right equipment," Jamie told Tara.

"Both pirate queen outfits?" Dawn asked.

"The cabin boy outfit has already been checked for authenticity," Jamie assured her. "And he said it'd fit a woman if needed."

"So Xander's in hell?" Buffy quietly interjected, desperate to change the subject. "How did that happen?"

"His ex-girlfriend, Cordelia Chase, was the one who requested some work done at the Hyperion hotel in LA. While she was giving him a hug they shared a vision that lead the group to believe he would be needed to help rescue a missing college student," Jamie explained.

"They shared a vision," Willow asked, having kept in touch with Cordelia and knowing about her job as seer for Angel Investigations.

"Yes and though he wasn't sure whether the vision was shared because he was supposed to go along or because of his own gift of second sight, he decided it was best to error on the side of caution," Jamie finished.

"Xander has second sight?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, but having it his entire life he never realized it until I pointed out some discrepancies that I noticed," Jamie explained.

"Puts a whole new spin on the pirate costumes," Dawn said, causing Tara and Willow to freeze. "I don't suppose one of them is in my size?"

"Dawn!" Buffy yelled.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"You must be an angel," Fred said in wonder, once she'd eaten one of the precious tacos, Xander had brought with him.

She was nervous and twitching, talking and glancing around as rapidly as possible.

Xander looked at the cave Winifred had lived in for the past years and the mathematical formulas on the walls, like the ancient cave paintings of their distant ancestors, but instead of telling the story of an animal they hunted and killed they told of her stalking down an idea and making it real. "Just a man who bought the big value pack and discovered he wasn't all that hungry," Xander replied. "I'm here to rescue you."

"I've had dreams like this before," she said suddenly slowing down to something approaching normal. "Of course they took place just after I had my weekly bath and I had a more comfortable bed made of bearskin."

"Weekly bath?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," she agreed. "Too dangerous to bathe in the river every day, so I go once every four days."

"If it's every four days, why do you call it a weekly bath?" he asked curiously, finding her babble with a slight Texas twang adorable.

"According to my calculations the days here are thirty hours long which means four days here is equal to five of our days and thus a week."

"That's only five days, what about... there are no weekends in hell," he said in understanding.

"Exactly," she agreed as she took off her sack dress in one smooth motion, revealing she was much too thin and Pylea did not know any secrets, much less Victoria's.

"What are you doing?" Xander asked nervously as she climbed onto his lap.

"Even if this dream is a little dirty, since I had my bath yesterday and not today, I still intend to enjoy it," she said cheerfully.

"It's not a dream," he told her as she unbuttoned his shirt.

"Old Spice," she said, leaning her face in the side of his neck and taking a deep sniff. "My dad was a construction worker when he was younger, he wears Old Spice and Taco Bell is my favorite food. The fact that it's been one day since my last bath just emphasizes it's a kinky dream, if only a little."

Xander hugged her and stroked her back trying to calm her down a little and it seemed to work as she stopped trying to strip him and instead snuggled into his arms and hugged him hard.

"OK, maybe I need comfort more than sex right now, lord knows I haven't felt safe in a long time. I guess my mind is trying to sneak in a little along with the naughty bits." Her breath hitched and she shook as she began to cry. "It's just so hard. I-I can't remember the last time I felt safe and m-my memories of home are fading. Is the Earth real or am, I just a c-cow with a vivid imagination?"

"The Earth is real and so am I," he promised her. "You aren't dreaming."

"B-but it all fits together so well!" she protested.

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," he replied.

"Fred wiggled. "That's not a cigar, it feels like something I saw in a porno and not real life. In real life they're smaller."

"You naked and wiggling is causing that," he assured her. "How can I prove you're not dreaming?"

"I don't think you can," she admitted. "I'll need sensory data that isn't available in a dream, which means it'd require my actions to cause sensory feedback."

Xander raised an eyebrow.

"I'd need to pinch myself," she explained.

Xander grinned.

She jumped a little and her eyes got wide. "You just pinched me and I... I'm awake. This is real!"

"Yes, this is real," Xander told the young woman on his lap.

"And, and I'm naked," she said turning red. "I'm naked and haven't been able to shave my legs or trim the hedges in a couple of years, so it looks like an equatorial rain forest down there! And I haven't bathed since yesterday."

"None of which matters a whit because you are a beautiful young woman, even with all those things and I'm here to rescue you and take you back to Earth."

"You'd need hedge trimmers just to go down on me," she babbled still worried about her personal hygiene. "And my improvised dental care has kept my teeth clean and intact, but my experimental took paste has colored my teeth a little blue and my tongue tastes of liquorish. And, oh I, god, I can't stop talking!"

Xander pressed his lips to hers and silenced her for a few minutes. "I like liquorish," he told her when he pulled back to let her breathe.

"Can you close your eyes so I can get dressed?" she asked. "I know you've already seen it all, at least from the front, where the hair is thick enough to practically be wool leggings and a pair of fuzzy panties, but that's lacking in the rear which means I'd be presenting-"

"Closed eyes," Xander interrupted putting a hand across his eyes.

"Fred reluctantly climbed of his lap and quickly put back on her sack dress. "OK, I'm dressed again. Thank you for not peaking, though I am a little disappointed that you didn't, even though I'm relieved that you're honorable, it would be nice to be attractive-"

Xander took his hand off his eyes and interrupted her, "I am very attracted, you're beautiful and intelligent, which it what I find attractive and if you don't believe me sit on my lap and feel for yourself, but I am here to rescue you and get you home, not take advantage of you. Especially when we don't have birth control on us."

Fred's eyes darted down to glance at the bulge in his pants, before quickly looking away, cheeks a bright red. "I don't know what you must think of me, I mean I can't tell reality from fantasy and stripped right in front of you-"

Xander kissed her again.

"Did you do that to calm me down or because you want to?" she asked, once she regained her breath, situated on Xander's lap once more.

"Both," Xander assured her.

"If only I had a machete," she said with a sigh before kissing him again.

"I am here to rescue you," Xander reminded her. "I and a handful of friends, triggered the portal to come here and take you home."

"It's been years, my parents probably think I'm dead," she said sadly.

"It's only been a couple of months back in LA," he told her. "Time passes quicker here, I'm guessing."

"Time!" she said excitedly jumping off his lap and running to the wall, her fingers tracing a couple of mathematical formulas. "That's it!"

"What's it?" Xander asked, wishing he had a cold shower available.

"My calculations assumed a stable time frame between the two planes, but if it's variable-"

"It's stable," Xander interrupted her. "It's about twelve to one I'm guessing, but it's stable.

"Then... Then... I don't know why I couldn't open a portal home," she said frustrated and near tears. "I made sure I was in the same place and used the right harmonics!"

"The energies needed to open the portal takes time to replenish," Xander said, recalling Wesley's explanation. "If you want to open a portal in the same place you have to wait ninety days LA time."

"Meaning three years here," she said slowly. "This means... I can get us home!"

"We'll have to get my friends first," Xander said. "They have a book which should make it easy as pie."

Fred blinked a couple of times. "The book... It didn't travel through with me."

Xander shrugged unconcerned. "One of the friends I came with is a local from here that chose to move to LA. I'm sure he knows how to get back."

Fred glanced out of the cave at the sinking sun. "We'll have to wait until tomorrow, it's not safe out once the sun sets, I mean it's not safe during the day, but the night... It's... What's a word for more unsafe than unsafe, because it's that!"

"We'll wait," he promised her.

"OK," she said calming down. "I've got a bed, it's made of fresh leaves and pretty soft, though it's no bearskin. Would like to share it with me?" she asked blushing. "I'm not asking for sex, just warmth and maybe some snuggling-"

"I'd love to," Xander interrupted her.

"I've got it back farther in the cave, so I wouldn't be discovered," she said taking his hand and pulling him towards the rear of the cave. "It also has a back way in, not out because I'm not sure where the tunnels lead, just that they lead into the ground and not out of it."

There was a small chamber off to the left that they had to crawl to enter, but opened up into an almost circular chamber with a high ceiling and a sandy floor. There was a quartz vein that crossed the ceiling and carried in a little of the fading sunlight so they weren't in total darkness. Fred had a nice soft pile of leaves and reeds along with another sack stuffed with leaves to make a pillow. As soon as they were inside she lifted up a piece of the floor that turned out to be a large section of bark with sand glued to it with tree sap. It fit perfectly over the hole they crawled in through.

"We aren't totally safe here, but we're mostly safe. I saw this small little lizard spray something that smelled like burnt cinnamon and rubber that drove off the pig-dogs they use for tracking and even the trackers so I've made sure to find and annoy one enough to cover the front entrance to the cave," she explained.

Xander removed his tool belt and boots and laid down. "I love smart women," he said with a grin.

Fred crawled next to him and got comfortable, her face only an inch from his. "Can we kiss some more?"

"Yes, yes we can," Xander agreed.

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

Angel watched the sunset with a certain amount of awe. It'd been centuries since he'd seen the sun, but for some reason the sunlight in Pylea didn't burn him.

"If you get any happier, I'm going to have to do something to make you unhappy," Gunn warned him from near the campfire where he sat with Wesley and the escaped 'cows' that made up the human resistance movement.

"The knowledge that it's only temporary and we have to find Cordelia, Xander, and Lorne who are lost and in danger should be enough to keep his soul firmly where it belongs," Wesley said as he grilled a lizard on a stick.

Angel sighed. "Not to mention what Willow and Dawn would do to me for losing Xander."

"Not Buffy and Rupert?" Wesley asked.

"They'd accept the fact that he insisted on including himself and that I had no control over events," Angel replied. "Willow and Dawn would only care that he was gone and I wasn't."

"At least they're only human," Wesley said.

"They'd blame you too," Angel pointed out dryly.

"If we consider where we landed as equidistant from a central point," Wesley said quickly scratching a diagram in the sand as he tried to figure out where Xander had landed.

"Who are Dawn and Willow?" Gunn asked Angel as Wesley was working on where their missing friends were.

"Willow is a fairly powerful witch and computer hacker who Xander refers to as the other half of his brain, which is probably accurate. Dawn is Buffy's little sister, who has a... yen for Xander and thanks to hanging around them, has picked up just enough of a lot of things to be dangerous," Angel explained.

"And why did we bring him along again?" Gunn asked, thinking Xander sounded more like a liability than a help.

"Because he's Robin," Angel said.

"Robin?" Gunn asked.

"From Batman and Robin," Angel said. "He dresses brightly to draw attention and distract the enemy, making our job easier."

"He's also an excellent outside the box thinker," Wesley added as he finished his calculations.

"That box is called sanity," Angel said dryly. "But he's right."

"So he should be fine and this is part of 'Sunnydale Syndrome' where everyone thinks he's made of glass and worried about him?" Gunn asked.

"That and he's not here to make the jokes himself," Angel admitted. "He's the first one to make jokes at his own expense and keep everyone in a good mood."

"Yeah?" Gunn asked getting an idea. "Well I hear Xander has only two speeds: Walk and kill."

Wesley laughed and Angel grinned.

"In fact, before the boogie man goes to bed every night he checks under the bed for Xander Harris," Gunn said, not noticing how the resistance fighters were listening,

Angel smirked, thinking of how annoying Cordelia and Xander would find these. "Xander Harris once donated a gallon of blood using a bucket and a rusty icepick."

"Xander Harris once got mad and punched the Hellmouth," Wesley said and waited till the other two looked to him before adding the punchline, "He knocked out three of its teeth."

"Xander Harris doesn't sleep... he waits!" Gunn said somberly while laughing inside.

"Xander Harris' tears can cure vampirism," Angel announced. "Too bad he never cries."

"Female vampires burst into flames at the sight of his manhood," Gunn said. "Turns out it has enough worshipers to be considered a holy symbol."

"It's a little known fact that the midgard serpent doesn't actually exist," Wesley said. "It's actually just Xander's penis when he forgets to zip up all the way."

"However the prophecy of Thor's death by it still remains valid," Angel added.

The three continued telling jokes for another half hour until everyone but the lookouts laid down to sleep as the sun sank and the stars came out.

"You ain't sleeping?" Gunn asked Angel.

"I'm a vampire," Angel reminded him. "Unless daylight forces me to hibernate, I don't sleep."

"Well, night," Gunn replied.

"Night," Angel said joining the lookouts in watching the night for dangers.

**Typed by: Maltor**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Are you sure you don't want any?" Fred asked.

"They're all yours," Xander assured her. "I ate my fill yesterday before I came through the portal. Finish them off and then we'll find the resistance you talked about and see if they know where my friends are."

"Thank you!" she said excitedly before tearing into the remaining tacos.

Xander grinned and examined the walls of the cave again. The writing on the walls was a combination of chalk and clay based paint, paint where she was certain and chalk where she was still working something out. He was fairly sure the person who'd tricked her into opening the portal that sent her here would have cut off his left testicle for just five minutes in the cave reading the work she'd done.

"Why did you bring a tool belt?" Fred asked curiously. "I'd think people jumping into a hostile dimension would bring weapons."

"I can make weapons if I have the right tools," Xander pointed out. "But I can't make tools with weapons nearly as easily or very well. Best just to bring tools and some of them are decent weapons." He hefted the short handled sledgehammer that hung from the left side of his belt near his hip. "Sammy is no Mjolnir, but then only one hammer is."

"Mjolnir?" she asked curiously.

"The hammer wielded by the Norse god of thunder, Thor," he explained. "Plus my tool belt is the source of my power!" He posed with his hands on his hips making her giggle. "Ready to go?" he asked once she'd recovered.

"Let me get my things," she said retrieving what little she'd saved, her driver's license, library card, and her burlap pillow case/spare dress. "R-ready," she said nervously.

"It'll be okay," he promised her as he led her out of the cave.

Naturally as soon as they stepped out of the cave Pylea tried to prove him wrong by sending a trio of the local equivalent of bears at them, massive red furred creatures with more than a touch of crocodile in their ancestry. The trio roared as the largest one rose up and charged forward, jaws open wide to take a chunk out of Xander.

Xander blessed his sledgehammer as the solid chunk of modern metallurgy slammed into the bear's side, breaking several ribs with a wet cracking noise. The bear let off a faltering roar as it fell, barely missing Xander with its claws as he leapt back and brought the hammer down, caving in its skull. The two other smaller bears fled into the woods.

"B-bear skin!" Fred said in wonder, her fear already forgotten.

Xander put away his hammer and took a deep breath, amazed that it had ended so quickly and that the red furred beast had been so slow. After a moment's consideration he thought about how reptiles were slower during the morning hours and how it was still a little chilly out.

"C-can I have it?" Fred asked hopefully turning puppy dog eyes on Xander.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Angel watched in surprise as Xander walked into camp, dragging a sledge made out of a couple of felled saplings and tied together with vines. On the sledge was an enormous red furred corpse with a thin young woman riding it.

"Does anyone know how to skin a bear?" Xander asked.

The leader of the free humans looked at the bear Mad-Number's-Girl was sitting on. "I see no wounds."

"I didn't have a sword on me so I just hit it a couple of times," Xander explained.

"And you only want the skin?" the leader, Malix asked, after he'd introduced himself.

"I promised Fred she could have it," Xander agreed. "A couple of teeth would be nice, but the rest is for whoever makes it into a rug for Fred, because I know nothing about skinning animals."

"Falinea, Sofina," Malix called out causing an older couple to turn up. "Skin and cook it. Give the skin to Mad Number's – Fred here. Put Taylor on it and make sure he does a good job."

"Let me guess," Angel said. "She's who we came to rescue?"

"Winifred Burkel," Xander agreed. "Apparently she really wanted a bearskin rug, she used puppy dog eyes on me."

"And you caved," Angel said amused. "Was it hard to find the bear?"

Xander snorted. "How easy is it for me to find anything with sharp teeth and claws?"

"All we need to do is find Lorne, Cordelia, and the book and we'll be set," Gunn said.

"Fred said she came through and the book stayed behind," Xander pointed out. "Fortunately she knows how to get us back now that she knows about the time differential."

"Really?" Wesley said doubtfully.

"Willow smart?" Angel asked, knowing how Xander thought.

"Beyond Willow smart," Xander said. "As much as I love Willow, Winifred makes her look like a slacker."

"That's actually a little frightening," Angel said.

"On the plus side, it takes a couple of weeks here to equal a single day at home, so we aren't in a rush," Xander offered.

"That's a relief," Gunn said with a heavy sigh. As everyone stared at him he said, "What? This trip was last minute and I got a couple of new releases from the video store on my coffee table."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"And what's got you down?" Jamie asked Buffy.

Buffy winced as everyone turned to look at her. "Wrong? Why should anything be wrong?"

Jamie tilted her head as she gave Buffy an obvious once-over. "The way you hold yourself, the tension in your neck causing the tendons to stand out, the stress in your voice-" she listed off.

"OK, OK," Buffy interrupted her. "Jeez, you're worse than Xander."

"I'm filling in for him," Jamie reminded her with a grin. "What's got you down?"

The Slayer growled. "I kinda put Warren in a coma yesterday."

"Warren, who is responsible for several deaths, and wrote about how he was going to rape you and keep you for a pet, as well as every girl here?" Jamie asked.

"What?" Buffy asked, her expression shifting from depressed to dangerous in a heartbeat.

"Katrina and the security guard at the museum both died because of him," Jamie reminded her. "He showed no remorse whatsoever at their deaths."

"And the raping and the pet?" Buffy snarled.

"He has a blog," Jamie explained. "Check out warren is your new god dot com. He has weapon designs he's offering for sale and pages upon pages of notes about showing you and everyone else here 'their place', renaming Dawn, Kleenex, and showing Willow and Tara what a 'real man' is like."

Willow had already opened up a browser on her laptop and was searching the site.

"Kleenex?" Dawn asked looking green.

"Try not to think about it," Buffy told her.

"This is horrible," Willow said looking sick. "He's deranged."

"Does… does Xander know about this?" Dawn asked nervously, worried about what he would think of her.

"No and I ask that none of you tell him," Jamie said. "I'm pretty sure if Xander found out, we'd be attending his trial for murder the next day. I was planning on getting your advice on what to do without him finding out."

"There-there's pictures and video of us," Willow said in horror.

"How many people have seen this?" Buffy demanded as she looked over Willow's shoulder and saw video titles like Kleenex Shower Three Fingers and Red Slut's Fish Diet.

"I disabled the password protection for this IP," Jamie explained. "I was going to ask Willow's help in destroying his hard drive remotely."

"It's all private files only he could access," Willow said, making notes of where all the cameras were so she could remove them.

'So only he saw them?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"I can't delete them from here," Willow complained. "He's running it from his home server. I can crash it so no one else can access it until it's reset, but we'll have to go to his house and delete them ourselves."

"I have his home address," Jamie offered.

**Warren's basement AKA the Triad's Headquarters**

"I-I can't believe that she did that to him," Andrew said eyes red. "He just…"

"You can't say he didn't deserve it," Jonathan told him. "He completely lost it after what happened to Katrina and he just kept getting worse and worse. If Buffy hadn't stopped him who knows what he would have done to us?"

"He'd never hurt me!" Andrew squealed.

"He was singing a different tune while he had the orbs," Jonathan reminded him. "It doesn't matter anyways, I'm out."

"What?"

"I never signed on to hurt and kill people and that's just what's been happening under Warren's leadership."

"B-but we have to make her pay!" Andrew argued.

"For what?" Jonathan asked. "Defending herself against a dangerous psycho? I quit!"

"Yeah?! Well I don't need your help anyway!" Andrew yelled, as Jonathan packed up all his stuff.

"No one's going anywhere," Buffy said as she and the rest of the girls appeared when Willow dropped the notice-me-not spell that she'd wrapped them in. "We're going to have a little discussion about cameras being placed in showers."

"What?" Jonathan asked confused while Andrew reddened. "You put cameras in Buffy's shower?" he asked in shock.

Willow strode over to his computer and started typing; quickly finding the cameras he'd hidden from Jonathan. "Shower cam and…" her voice trailed off and Dawn's eyes got wide as she stared at the screen.

"What?" Buffy demanded when she saw their reaction.

"Andrew didn't plant cameras in our bathroom, he only put them in Xander's," Willow explained.

Taking in Dawn's unblinking stare, Buffy quickly hurried over and ripped the monitor off the desk, tossing it to the side where it shattered with a crash. "If you watch Xander like that, you're no better than whoever put the cameras in our bathroom," Buffy told Dawn.

Dawn blinked and recovered. "No, because I didn't place the cameras, make the recording or even hit play. The most you can say is I'm weak vs a naked soapy Xander. "

"It's still not something you should do to a friend," Buffy said firmly.

"You're right," Dawn admitted. Turning to Willow she said, "Email Xander a recording of one of my showers so we're even."

"Don't!" Buffy ordered Willow who got up to use Warren's computer.

"I'm not," Willow promised as she switched to Warren's computer and accessed the house's network. "I'm just deleting the recordings."

"Then why did you bring up email?" Jonathan asked.

"Because I want to see what footage of me he has. I'm only saving mine, well and some of Tara's because most of the footage is of both of us."

"Save all of mine too," Tara said. "I'm also curious, just make sure nothing is left on his system."

"And mine," Buffy added. "All this is making me feel a lot less guilty for putting him in a coma."

"Save them all, so we can check them later," Dawn suggested.

"I'll just yank his hard drive," Willow said waving her hand and causing his system to start taking itself apart.

Dawn picked up a screwdriver and started cleaning under her nails while Willow moved to Jonathan's. "Two hidden cams," Willow muttered bringing them up. "One is… the puppy pit at the pet shop."

"They're adorable," Jonathan defended himself.

"And camera two is… a comic shop," Willow said.

"I tapped into the shop's security camera," he admitted. "I like to know when the new issues hit the shelves."

No one had a comment for that.

"Warren was a murderer and a nut, plain and simple," Buffy said. "But I guess neither of you are. Want my advice? Get out of town. Go to college far away from the Hellmouth before it kills you."

The girls left and Jonathan continued packing up his stuff.

"Damnit!" Andrew complained.

"What?"

"They took my hard drive too!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"I raided Warren's and removed all of his equipment and a partially completed android," Jamie sent to her fellow androids. "I believe Warren was making a duplicate of himself."

"I suggest we make it a duplicate of Xander," Ted offered. "Having a stand-in will really help his productivity."

"And we can use him to practice working with the alloys and augments you received from Iron Man," April pointed out.

"Cousin Xander should be pleased," Ted decided. "We can test it against the vampires, he hates so much, to smooth out all the bugs before he returns."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Lorne was beheaded this morning," Angel reported after he'd met up with Malix and learned what their spies had discovered.

"Damn," Gunn said, as he stared in the campfire and wished they'd been quicker to locate their green skinned friend.

"That means we have to make our move in the next two days if we want to save him," Wesley said. As everyone turned to stare at him, he explained, "Anagogic demons can survive up to five days with their heads removed. Lorne is no health nut, so I'm estimating 72 hours as his limit."

"And Cordelia?" Xander asked.

"They've elected her queen," Angel said.

The only sound was the wood in the campfire crackling for a little while as everyone wrapped their heads around that fact.

Fred spoke up from her customary spot in Xander's lap, "Your friend, who is a cow, has been elected queen?"

"One of the natives caught her having a vision and somehow that translated into, elect her as queen," Angel explained.

"Am I dreaming?" Fred asked Xander.

"Are you seriously doubting reality or just fishing for a kiss?" Xander asked.

"I'm sixty percent certain this is reality and about forty percent doubtful," Fred said thoughtfully. "So this would be fishing."

Xander kissed her and afterwards she sighed happily and snuggled into his chest.

"Why bother asking since you kiss her regardless?" Gunn asked.

"Positive reinforcement," Xander replied. "For being honest and accepting reality, regardless of how strange it is."

"I think it only counts if you limit the kisses to positive answers," Wesley volunteered.

"I think the tensile strength of the human skull goes down drastically when you have a sharpened object of sufficient strength. See, it reduces the amount of sheer strength needed, as the PSI goes up, allowing even someone of with my own strength to remove a brain from its casing," Fred explained.

"But then I'm not a trained psychologist and really it seems to do wonders for her emotional well being," Wesley quickly said.

"Did she just threaten him if he got in the way of her getting a little sugar?" Gunn asked, amused.

"Yes, and he just backed down," Angel replied.

"Well it seems like taking advantage of her," Wesley said, "but if she knows her own mind well enough to make threats, I would have to say she is well enough to decide whom to kiss."

"See?" Fred asked. "You should take advantage of me."

"Only once we get back to Earth and you have accepted it as real," Xander said. "Until then all you get is hugs and kisses."

"OK, but you have to buy me a hedge trimmer," Fred said.

"Agreed," Xander replied giving her a squeeze.

"So, I was thinking I should sneak in to see Cordelia and find out what is going on," Angel said, trying to get everything back on track and trying not to wonder about why she needed gardening tools.

"Could Cordelia order the Priesthood to release the explosive collars the slaves wear?" Gunn asked.

"That's one of the things I plan on finding out," Angel replied. "Sneak in, find out if Cordelia needs to be rescued, get additional information for the rebellion, sneak out with Lorne and Cordelia if necessary."

"You'll need a distraction," Malix said, approaching the group. "And they'll send their champion out to deal with it. The Groosalugg is a fierce warrior. It's a fool's mission."

"I've got it," Xander said. "I'll face the Grue while you get to Cordelia."

"Xander…" Angel trailed off trying to figure out how to phrase his question on whether Xander was suicidal or not.

"Toss me that rock," Xander told Gunn.

Gunn picked up a baseball sized rock and tossed it to Xander, who squeezed his hand, reducing it to gravel, much to everyone's surprise.

"When you said your tool belt was the source of your power, you weren't joking," Fred said in wonder.

Xander patted his tool belt. "I told you, I've got it."

**Typing by: Last Primarch!**


End file.
